04
Feb
09

The new constitution

She had gotten good at not being fooled by others.  This, on top of already priding herself on not fooling herself.  I remember she used to have a motto that went something like you should not be in the list of people that you fool intentionally or unintentionally.

 

Good amoebic advice, really. 

 

Only how do you do that, not fool yourself?  She never did say.

 

The mind is an intricate thing, can be trickier than we realize.  It can finagle a way to get us what we want, even if we can’t afford it.  It can find a way to justify taking in 9 grams of fat in the form of one measly cookie.  It can convince us that we’re geniuses when we’re truly as mentally mediocre as it gets.  It can reason with us that we “deserve” one more glass of wine, you know, the one more glass that locks in a date with a hangover the next day for sure.  The examples are infinite.

 

And that’s the kind of stuff we all have a good chance of being aware of.  But what if the slick little devil of your mind gets really crafty and really, successfully pulls the wool over your own eyes?  How can you divert wool when you don’t even know wool is in the works waiting to happen???

 

Just the other day, my mind fooled me big time, and I didn’t even know it until a couple of days later.  I wrangled with a short story all day.  I had two ideas I wanted to incorporate but wanted voice and form to come of their own accord.  I went this way, that way, but nothing good was happening, nothing worked. 

 

Where was the mojo that was kicking up a grandiose fuss on that last story I did?  Hmmm???  Nowhere to be found.  AWOL.

 

I finally walked away from the scene of that accident, bloodied from the roll I took.  I staggered to the bed for a “power nap.”  I needed to reset, reboot, and a nap’s usually the best way to do that, I find.

 

At 4:30pm I reemerged, beer in hand.  I got to the computer and holy mother of mary! something just rolled on out, yes it did!  I was struck with amazement, I was thrilled, pleased as punch, and walked away from the computer for dinner oh so smugly. 

 

When I got back to check for rough edges, that’s when the twilight zone music began, only I didn’t hear it, I only wondered WTF.  It was one of those head-scratching things where you realize something’s not quite right but you don’t know what.  I reworked that piece of shit until 3am for chrissakes and finally sent it on its way before stalking off, pissed, confused, to bed.

 

When I got up, I found all kinds of things wrong with the story.  All kinds!  I reworked that piece of shit for more hours and resent it, revised.  I hear back, in essence, that it sucks.  I’m pissed.  I can’t believe it.  Whaddya mean, “sucks”???

 

Just yesterday, after talking to a friend, I saw the light.  The story did indeed suck.  I had somehow got so caught up in it, had owned or internalized it so completely, had become it.  Its ego was my ego and I lost control.  Objectivity had left the building.  A long time ago.

 

Even now, I feel my ego trying to huff and puff and blow the house down, to tell the world Man, I’ll never let that happen again!  No way! but I don’t trust it.  At least that message came across:  do not, I repeat, do not trust your conniving, peacock of an ego, not for a nanosecond, and scrutinize the bloody hell out of everything it presents to you.  Right, that message came across.

 

I wonder if I’m being fooled again…

 

 

 

Ill tip my hat to the new constitution
Take a bow for the new revolution
Smile and grin at the change all around
Pick up my guitar and play
Just like yesterday
Then Ill get on my knees and pray
We dont get fooled again

 

The Who

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